Happy Anniversary, I Love You, But Please Shut the F**k Up!

 

 

Dear Al,

Although I love you, there are days that you annoy the crap out of me.

There are those moments when I wish you would just shut the f**K up and stop talking. Although you are one of the smartest people I know and most of the time I really enjoy our conversations, I really don’t care about your irrational ideas of prepping for a zombie apocalypse, government conspiracy theories and random scientific facts that you believe I need to know or I couldn’t possibly be happy. If you want to talk science, let’s talk about where diamonds come from. Actually, that reminds me. You owe me a trip to the jewelers. Should I have our children remind you as to why, you big dumbass? 

Oh and I really don’t want a permit to carry that gun you bought me for a “present” (gee thanks). I’d rather carry a gorgeous Chanel bag. You, however, would call that sick and twisted in your limited understanding of accessories.

There are days when I actually dream of killing you and it makes me smile. Really big. Those are the only moments that I don’t mind you blaring the First 48 at a pitch that could break the sound barrier. I get lots of ideas from that show. (People reading this – it’s just a satire – so don’t call the police)

Sometimes I imagine that you have a hearing aid as big as a tuba and I see myself shouting into it when you’re sleeping. Maybe you’ll hear me then. You certainly don’t have a problem hearing that twig snap under a deer hoof 500 yards away.

They say in marriage you need to take the good with the bad. I would actually like to know who really said that but, whatever. The bottom line is that although some days it actually seems as though we are worlds apart this is actually a good thing. We each bring a unique perspective and vibration (vibrations are good) to our relationship. And, although I sometimes have the aforementioned feelings, I cherish your innate goodness, kindness, generosity and the love in your heart. Each time I daydream of seeing your mouth covered in duct tape, I look up to find you have done yet another something wonderful for me and I thank God that I haven’t given in to my baser instincts.

Even with all of your faults, (we already acknowledged that I don’t have any but I’m sure you won’t remember that discussion) I love you endlessly. Thank you for the gift of yourself that you give me each day. I love you more each time I see you (especially when you first get your hair cut because you look so hot – sorry kids) I digress……..

Happy 18th Anniversary. Screw the haters who said we couldn’t do it. We belong to each other for all eternity.

Dana 

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So I wrote the above letter to my husband three years ago, on our 18th anniversary, and posted it on Facebook  Today, we are celebrating 21 years of marriage. We’ve actually been together for 26 years but it took a little while to get “some shit straightened out” before we actually got married.  (Let your imagination run wild here people)

Last year, on our 20th anniversary, we renewed our wedding vows but I didn’t get the new anniversary band I wanted.  Al acted all hurt because he didn’t think I wanted my original band anymore.

So fine, play that game! Pretending to be all sentimental. You think I can’t see through that! You just wanted to spend the money on the stupid bunker.

Are you kidding me?  $20,000 for a building that goes in the ground and doesn’t even have running water or a toilet? No way.  So, I didn’t get the ring, (at least that’s what he thinks) but he didn’t get the bunker. He did get a hole in the ground though. We bought grave sites. He can use his any way he pleases.

So now we’re at 21 years.  Sigh. It seems like it was just yesterday that we exchanged our vows.  I remember that I was all bent and twisted over this corset thing I had to wear under my dress. I thought it made me look fat.  Now, I wish I was that fat.  I will never forget the ladies at the corset shop. The shop had been “on the avenue” for years and so had the ladies!  The corset shop was where all the nice Jewish girls in the neighborhood went to get fitted for bras when we began to blossom. (if you weren’t Jewish then you went to Woolworth’s for your bras but, whatever) 

44 GG Lady:     Fat? What fat? You’re gorgeous. Look at that figure! Look at those boobies!

Me:                 (in my head) OMG! – what a yenta!

52 FFF Lady:    Look how young and firm! (she pushes my boob up just a little, takes off her glasses and peers a little closer at my cleavage. Oh my,  bubbelah, sweetie, you have a love bite! She nudges 44 GG with her arm and gives her a wink.  My Moishe, may he rest in peace, always gave me love bites when he was fershnikit from the peppermint Schnapps. (Jewish moonshine)  Oy, such memories. The rest of the time his schmeckle – not so firm like a ripe cucumber – more like a shriveled sea urchin.  But, he was a good man. He was a kvetch but he was a good man.  Did you know that my Moishe………………

Me:             Um, excuse me. I don’t mean to be rude but are we finished here?

So, where was I?  Yes, 21 years. I love my husband more each day.  He’s great at mopping floors.  (Who’s the bitch now? Yeh, that’s right)  And so what if I shake him when he’s snoring and then pretend I’m sleeping.  It can’t be good to lay on your back and gasp for air like that.  I love him too much to watch his body go through that trauma. Hehe. 🙂

We’ve faced many challenges over the years.  Much has changed. We’ve given each other the space to be our own person. We’ve grown separately but we’ve grown together – we journey side by side yet, at the same time, we journey as one.

I’m Jewish, he’s Catholic. I was Catholic. He’s Catholic. I was Buddhist; he’s Catholic, I was Hindu; he’s Catholic, I was a pagan and a little white witchy; he’s Catholic.  Hmmm……..do you see a pattern here?  He’s who he is and he’s allowed me to be who I am. Because of that mindset, there is nothing we can’t talk about. We don’t have arguments. We have constructive disagreements which allows us the safe space to be who we are.

There are many things we don’t agree on but so much more that we do. (like intelligent life outside of Earth)  I have to wonder though, since God is God of the Universe, are there Catholics in outer space and is Passover celebrated on the dark side of the moon?

These are the type of things I often ponder.

Hey, pass that vetiver back here, will you? (It’s legal and it’s good shit)

 

Much love,

Dana